The best pickup line? “Check out my ethos.”

Note: This blog is shifting over to jayheinrichs.com.

I get asked this question all the time: “Hey, Persuasion Guy…” (Actually, nobody calls me Persuasion Guy, though I wish they would). “What’s the most surefire pickup line in a bar?”

Dude. (I’m assuming you like to be called “Dude.”) If an Attractive Person wants you to pick him or her up, just don’t say anything that blows it. The AP will be judging you more than your lines. Which brings us to the theory of Ethos, your expressed character.

First, show that you care about the AP. A great pickup line? Suppose the AP is a woman; ask her a question about herself. Compliment her shoes and ask where she got them. (Straight guys rarely compliment a woman’s shoes, so at the least you’ll surprise her.) This is eunoia, disinterested good will. It’s the Caring part of Ethos.

Next, show you know what you’re doing. Signal the bartender suavely. This is phronesis, the Craft part of Ethos.

Finally, show respect and good manners. That’s arete, or virtue, the Cause part. You’re a genuinely good person.

Yeah, some APs aren’t looking for a genuinely good guy. They’re looking for an exciting, even dangerous guy. In which case, work harder on your Craft. And here you’re on your own. I’ve been happily married for too long to look dangerous. 

Here’s a video I made with my pal Christina. I cut out the part where she talks about what she thinks is the perfect line. Sorry. She already has Ryan Gosling as an imaginary boyfriend

What's a euphemism for euphemism?

Note: Figarospeech.com, where “Figaro” speaks to “figarists,” is migrating to jayheinrichs.com. So is this blog.

Figarist Cari Jackson asks whether “euphemism” is the proper term for this blithe quote from a corporate CEO:

“I don’t want to say layoffs. I’d say, perhaps, redeployed is a better term.”

There is indeed, Cari! 

Figure of Thought: meiosis (my-OH-sis), the shrinker. From the Greek, meaning “to shrink.”

The meiosis (“It’s just a flesh wound!”) redefines an issue to make it sound less important. Reminds us of “The Simpsons’” evil nuclear plant owner, Mr. Burns: “Oh, meltdown. It’s one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.”

Let’s call a spade a spade. But when someone calls an earth mover a spade, don’t call it a euphemism. It’s a meiosis. Got any more examples of mealy-mouthed shrinkers? Please comment!

Being famous means never having to say you’re sorry.

Why are public figures so bad at apologizing?

It has to do with belittlement: an audience’s feeling of being dissed, and its desire to see the culprit shrink. The problem is, big stars don’t want to become little planets. 

So how does a bigshot—or you, for that matter—apologize without shrinking? Follow these steps:

1. Own up to the mistake. Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

2. Focus on your emotions, not how you hurt someone else. Say how bad you feel about screwing up.

3. Show how your mistake was an exception to the rule. You’re a great, thoughtful person who temporarily lapsed.

4. Promise improvement and show what you’re going to do to fix any remaining problems.

Here’s a video I did with details.

What to Say to Someone Who Resists Getting Vaccinated

In order to stop the Covid-19 epidemic, medical experts tell us we need to achieve herd immunity. That means 70-85% of us having antibodies ready to leap against the spiky virus. We get antibodies either through contracting the disease—with a death risk 33 times that of the flu and long-term risks of heart, lung, and even brain problems—or by getting vaccinated.

The problem is, almost half of us don’t want to get vaccinated, at least not right away. This isn’t a medical problem. It’s a persuasion problem.

As a persuasion consultant who has advised pediatricians and military vaccinators, I have worked for years to convince resistant patients to accept vaccination for themselves or their children. Here are techniques that have been proven to work.

Be patient. 

It usually takes more than one conversation to change a person’s mind. Work first on the relationship. The more the other person likes and trusts you, the more likely you’ll succeed.

Try to bring in someone who looks like the other person.

Half of vaccine resisters are Latinx, and 53% are Hispanic, according to a new poll. While people over 55 are overwhelmingly in favor, most Americans between ages 25 and 44 say they’re unlikely to get vaccinated. Persuasion tends to work better when the audience belongs to the same age and ethnicity as the persuader.

 Don’t score points.

This is true of persuasion in general. Successful arguments aren’t about winning; they’re about winning over the other person, getting her to want to make your choice. 

And avoid focusing on the facts.

Lots of research shows that when you throw facts at someone, he tends to retreat even farther into his own belief. Besides, vax resisters already have plenty of “facts.” They’re just not true. (No, Bill Gates is not putting tracking chips in the serum.)

Instead, speak personally but selflessly.

Don’t say how the vaccine will protect you. Tell who else you’re trying to protect. “My sister has cancer and can’t get vaccinated. I want to keep her safe as long as possible.” Or, “I want my mother to be able to hug me again.” Then gently imply that the denier would want to do the same thing. “You know what I’m talking about. I see how much your mother adores you.” 

Appeal to the other’s identity.

People will do almost anything to confirm their best sense of self. Soldiers are willing to sacrifice their lives to live up their identity as soldiers. I once was asked by a Pentagon agency to come up with a way to persuade vax-resistant military members into smallpox vaccination. After learning how proud they are of their scars, I suggested a social media campaign in which soldiers took selfies of their vaccination scar and said what it was for. “This scar’s for my country. This scar’s for my girlfriend.”

Make the other person feel noble and smart, not dangerously stupid.

I advise pediatricians to praise a young mother who hesitates having her child vaccinated. She’s fiercely protecting her baby against what she sees as harm. The doctor should then steer the conversation toward “protection.”

Reframe the issue.

Don’t call it vaccination. Call it “protection.” Reframing is a powerful persuasion tool; it lets you occupy the high ground of an argument. A vax denier tends to frame the issue around short-term harm. Reframing it around short-term protection—lowering the odds of getting sick within a few short weeks, while protecting those around her.

And don’t forget: be patient.

Listen. Ask questions. Stay calm. And work on the relationship. Achieving herd immunity takes time. And so does persuasion.

Jay Heinrichs is an international speaker and consultant, and the author of the New York Times bestseller, Thank You for Arguing: What Aristotle, Lincoln, and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of Persuasion. Learn more at jayheinrichs.com and ArgueLab.com. 

What to Watch for in the Debates

Find the factors that can swing the election (and, if you’re old enough, make a decent drinking game)

Between you and me, I won’t be watching. It’s past my bedtime for one thing; and I’m more interested in how the debate will be used in various media afterward. While the audience will be large, it won’t come close to the audience that receives the debates sliced, diced, and memed. 

Which one will go on the attack?

And keep in mind that the 7% of likely voters who claim to be undecided won’t be watching the debates. They’re the least informed voters, and they’ll be absorbing the aftereffects of the debate on social media. It’s worth telling students that an argument often has an interesting half-life with different audiences in this age of smartphones and social media. 

That being said, look for three basic factors on debate night:

1. Ethos

2. Tactics

3. Framing

For Ethos, watch for phronesis, or practical wisdom.

Which candidate looks like he knows how to be president? Which seems to have a command of the facts, and maybe a plan or two? Which one seems smarter? Both are entering the debate with low expectations. Note that Trump isn’t calling Biden “Sleepy Joe” anymore, and now claims falsely that Biden is on performance-enhancing drugs. It’s a way of raising expectations for Biden.

Also watch for virtue.

By this I don’t mean moral superiority. Virtue has to do with an audience’s feeling that the orator is a great member of the tribe.Which tribe will be more excited the next day? Trump has been astonishingly good at this, convincing uneducated, lower-middle-class Americans that he’s just like them. Biden used to be known as the “working man’s” politician. The problem for Biden is, his party no longer consists largely of working white men. That’s the Republican Party. 

This election won’t be determined by deliberative argument. It’s all demonstrative, building up the enthusiasm level among voters who already support the candidate. In other words, it’s about turnout. While pundits have been properly pointing out Biden’s enthusiasm problem among Hispanics, turnout among young white voters will make the bigger difference. Will Biden seem less like a grouchy old man than Trump? 

For tactics, look for the bites.

Next day, how would you propose a 15-second social media spot using an excerpt from the debate? Biden will try to come with memorable sound bites. He knows that Ronald Reagan did it with “There you go again.” Kamala Harris did it (against Biden!) with “That little girl was me.” In both those cases, the candidates worked with consultants and conceived, memorized, tested, and practiced those lines. Trump won’t do any of that. He goes for instinct. When he debated Clinton, his strategy seemed to be just looming next to her, showing he was taller. Very effective. 

Less important but still watchable will be how Biden addresses the concerns of the voters he needs most: young people, Blacks, and those who switched from Obama in 2012 to Trump in 2016. The election will come down to turnout in the first two groups. But Biden can’t afford to alienate the swing voters. For that reason, he has more to lose in this debate than Trump does. How does he address racism without turning off the Obama-Trump switchers? Can he talk about climate change without dampening enthusiasm among Hispanics and other groups, people who feel desperate about the economy? 

This means changing the frame.

Trump will try to come across as the outsider, turning Biden into the incumbent. He’ll run against the nonexistent “deep state” and try to pin Biden to it. 

What should Biden do about this? If I were his advisor, I’d have him attack the billionaires who dodge taxes; and he should attack Trump for covering up his taxes. Then have him talk about how Trump and his rich friends are trying to rig the whole election and the Supreme Court with their money and power. The Obama-Trump switchers wanted change in both elections. They already think the nation is rigged against them. In other words, Biden needs to frame Trump as the corrupt incumbent. 

While many people expect Trump to be the aggressor, Biden will be looking to stir up Democrats as well as voters who switched last election from Obama to Biden. This means taking on the traditional role of attacking the incumbent. So, who will be the biggest aggressor? Maybe you and your friends can bet on this. 

Thanks to Melissa Vello, an AP English Language and Composition teacher, for asking me what her students should watch for in the debates. If you’re a teacher, get in touch and tell me what you’d like me to talk about.

How to Write a Dope Book

Just follow these 10 agonizing steps. (Hint: Fall in love. No, not like that.)

Evan Marquart, a student in Schertz, Texas, wanted to know, “How’d you write such a dope book?” Evan, I can’t have you flattering me enough. So here’s an answer, in 10 agonizing steps. Even if you don’t write a book, you might see how you—and others—can take your writing seriously.

1. Read, then write.

Duh. If you haven’t read lots of books, you probably shouldn’t think of writing one just yet. As for writing, do it every single day. Think, brain muscle. Or just think you have to practice. Every single day. 

2. Fall in love.

With me, it was John Quincy Adams. Get crazy about a topic you’re willing to spend years with. 

3. Keep notes in a really good database.

I’m currently using DEVONTHINK 3. For Thank You for Arguing, I took enough notes to fill at least several books.

4. Outline the book by chapters, then outline each chapter.

Then write summaries for each chapter. (I often use the Outline View on Microsoft Word.) Then re-outline and re-organize everything a bunch of times, telling yourself what a loser you are.

5. Write the book, seven or eight times.

Thank You for Arguing was originally around 90,000 words. That’s about 360 double-spaced pages. 

6. Get edited.

My editor at Penguin Random House was as tough as they come. Which I needed.

7. Read it aloud to people.

Teenagers make a much better audience than teachers, because teachers tend to be too supportive. Mark the places where your audience looks bored, then make those sections better.

8. Read the book a bunch more times and make corrections.

By the time the book prints, you’ll have read it at least 30 times. And after it prints, readers will point out more mistakes. Now, if you plan to have the book go into print, as in paper…

9. Write a proposal.

40-60 pages long, with the outline, sample chapter, marketing plan, and other stuff. Even if you plan to self-publish, the proposal is—well, a plan.

10. Find an agent.

That’s assuming you want to have a company publish the book and pay you for it. It’s not so easy, but your proposal can help you attract an agent.

Is it worth it? For me it is. I find writing a book to be the best kind of education. And sometimes it’s even fun.