To Deal with a Bully, Follow Amy Schumer

Have you ever had this nightmare where you’re in Sweden and you’re up on a stage wearing a white minidress and this guy in the audience yells to lift your shirt?

Me too! I have that nightmare all the time!

Or maybe you’ve been publicly humiliated in real life. Is there a way to keep from just melting to the floor or running away crying? Why, yes there is. Through the power of rhetoric, you can come out looking stronger than ever, while making everybody love you.

Here’s the secret: Manage your anger. I don’t mean just stay calm and think of kittens. I mean manage your anger.

Amy Schumer is clearly angry. But she channels that anger in a powerful direction, setting up a dialogue with the jerk. But is she trying to persuade the guy not to be a jerk? No. She’s persuading the audience that she’s the better person. Instead of losing her cool, she gets all ironical. "I already miss him!" she says as he's escorted out of the venue.

God, I love Amy Schumer. But not all of us can be Amy Schumer. I for one can’t come up with a great line under pressure.So let’s look at another master at dealing with a heckler. Vice President Joe Biden.

Biden recently lost his own son. He talks directly to the guy in the audience. And then he invites a private conversation. Who is he trying to persuade at that moment? Not the guy. The audience. Biden appears as the most reasonable person in the room.

So what can you learn from these two masters of rhetoric?

1. Control your anger.

When you’re being bullied in front of other people, control your anger. Don’t let it control you.

2. Be the better person.

Don’t try to talk the bully out of being a bully. And definitely don’t try to fight him. Instead, work on convincing the onlookers that you’re the grownup in the room. If you’re as funny as Amy Schumer, well, you’re a better comedian than I am.

3. Remove the threat.

Donald Trump does this. Pretty crudely. Amy Schumer does it more democratically. She invited the audience to vote on whether to kick the heckler out. Joe Biden does it best of all. Say you’re willing to talk in private. If the bully refuses, say, “Well, I guess you need an audience more than I do.”

And then walk away. 

Here's the video I did on this topic. Be warned: It contains some language some people may not find suitable for children.

Why Are Public Figures So Lousy at Apologies?

It has to do with belittlement: an audience's feeling of being dissed, and its desire to see the culprit shrink. The problem is, big stars don't want to become little planets. 

So how does a bigshot--or you, for that matter--apologize without shrinking? Follow these steps:

1. Own up to the mistake. Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
2. Focus on your emotions, not how you hurt someone else. Say how bad you feel about screwing up.
3. Show how your mistake was an exception to the rule. You're a great, thoughtful person who temporarily lapsed.
4. Promise improvement and show what you're going to do to fix any remaining problems.

Here's a video I did with details.

We Made the New York Times Education Bestseller List!!

Thank You for Arguing appears in good company on the Times Education bestsellers. Thank you for making this happen. We're spreading the rhetorical gospel and helping young people save this country!

How to Talk Politics without Losing Your Mind

This campaign season is the craziest since Robert Redford ran for President. Or was that just a movie? Hard to tell the difference these days. The good news is, you can actually have a political disagreement without wanting to throw yourself into the Potomac. I call the technique Aggressive Interest.

 Instead of arguing against your crazy uncle’s stupid, witless, fact-free opinion, look really really interested. Then ask for three things:

1. Definitions.

Ask him to define every term. “What do you mean by ‘illegals’? What exactly is this wall? What does ‘sending a message’ entail? Who gets this message?

2. Details.

Ask for facts—numbers, trends (“Great anecdote, but how exactly is the problem getting worse nationally?”), cost, predicted impact, laws that would need changing.

3. Sources.

“That’s amazing! I had no idea 5 million Islamicist Mexican rapists crossed the border every day! Where did you get this information? From a reputable think tank? A government agency? A peer-reviewed journal?” (Try to be careful not to sound sarcastic here.)

What can you expect from Aggressive Interest? People asked to drill down into definitions, details and sources often end up modifying their opinion on the fly. “Well, maybe not 5 million a day, and not all are rapists, and they’re not terrorists exactly…”)

Over the longer term, your eager questions may plant a grain of doubt in the oyster of their mind, giving them just a bit of itchy doubt. Thinking about definitions, details and sources destabilizes opinions over time. In other words, you mess with your uncle’s beer-saturated mind.

Besides, if all else fails, your questions are bound to drive the guy crazy. Which, in a mean-spirited way, constitutes a win. For you.

Here’s a video I made on the technique. Try it and let me know what you think.

Orational Thought

I've been on a 20-year mission to revive rhetoric among selective colleges, with mixed success. While Thank You for Arguing is among the top 10 books assigned at Harvard, my own alma mater, Middlebury College, has been a little slower. 

The good news is, an indomitable theater professor is leading the charge. If you're interested in bringing rhetoric to your own school, follow what this guy is doing. 

Read the story about Dana Yeaton here.

The Miasma

While I enjoyed all the convention speeches, the really powerful rhetoric has been lurking in all the background noise. Effective persuasion isn’t noticeable as persuasion. It tends to skid and honk like traffic outside your window, and you can only detect individual sounds when you pay attention.

The sound you should listen for most in this election is that of a candidate attacking on his own weakness.

Are you a draft dodger running for office? Have a PAC accuse your opponent of cowardice. Been unfaithful to your spouses? Attack the other for infidelity. Not really up on your Bible? Hint at your opponent’s alleged Moslem sympathies. Caught in a series of fabrications? Call your opponent a liar. Hiding something in your taxes or emails? Attack your opponent for cover-ups.

It’s fine to do this in a speech. Far better to release these attacks over and over, like a noxious gas leak, until they surround your opponent like a miasma.

I loved the speeches. But the miasma is where the real dark art lies.